Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Tony's Italian Ristorante, Valentine's Day 2009

Valentine’s Day 2009 brought the “anti-date” for Elaine, George, and me. None of us are “involved,” which is something that we are all comfortable with at this point. That fact does not, however, keep us from engaging in conversation about relationships and the irritating aspects of them. So here we are, February 14 at Tony’s Italian Ristorante at West Beck and South High Streets in the Columbus Brewery District.

We arrived at the restaurant and got our seat fairly promptly. We were seated by Tony himself and had a table that I found to be a bit “busy.” I suppose we should have counted on it, since there were three of us and it was apparent that we were on an “anti-date” or that George and I were being pimped out by Elaine. Either way, Elaine was irritated that Tony suggested she sit between George and me, but I think the poor guy was just confused about what to do and I don’t think he meant anything by it. Anyway, shortly after being seated, there was a strange period of flashing lights that, at first, I thought to be something like the mysterious Texas fireball, but I eventually attributed to people on “actual dates” taking pictures of themselves. Nonetheless, Elaine was irritated by my irritation. Sorry, Elaine, but the two TVs were about three Zip codes away and both had the Ohio State basketball game on. Not a hint of Blue Jackets hockey to be seen. That would eventually gnaw at Elaine as she thought I was checking email on my “CrackBerry” (as she calls it), but I was really checking the Blue Jackets score. (By the way, they won.)

Our conversations throughout dinner and beyond were all over the map. We discussed George and his farm-living lifestyle which he intends to eventually include a herd of cows. The growth of said herd will require George to acquire the ability to artificially inseminate his “girl cows.” The conversation was actually quite mature, aside from my chiming in about George and his bestial tendencies. That eventually led to a conversation about my not being a “boob man,” which further irritated Elaine. Suffice it to say that the two bottles of Rancho Zabaco SHV Select Zinfandel that we consumed lent itself to an ongoing discussion that was probably “dirtier” than usual. I am not sure if the neighboring tables overheard us, but if they did, it was surely entertaining! George did reiterate the “pack wisdom” to Elaine as he explained why guys are more attracted to a girl who can hang with the ‘guy group’, but Elaine claims I prompted him to answer the way I wanted. I just considered the question to be rhetorical because I knew how George would answer. He is a guy and I did not lead him to an answer that I thought to be the “correct” one. But what does Elaine know; she is afraid of Amish people.

Anyway, the food. As I noted, we started with a bottle of Rancho Zabaco SHV Zinfandel which ultimately lead to a second bottle of the same. I like zinfandels in general and Rancho Zabaco vineyards as well, so it was a good choice, but again, not with what I ultimately chose as an entrée. We also shared an appetizer, the Bruschette Pomodore. It was a good choice for Elaine as it is vegetarian and I liked it, but I wish in retrospect we would have opted for the Roman bread that Elaine suggested as well. I got the Tony’s Fettuccini, which is the pride of the owner. It is fettuccini with shrimp, scallops, and surami crab. I thought a portion of my noodles were a bit too al dente and I wasn’t sure the crab wasn’t the “faux crab” that you can get at any grocery store. However, it was overall a very good dish. This says quite a bit because I generally opt for anything “meat”, especially when it comes to Italian fare. There is just too much veal to pass by, but I went ‘off the grid’ and I must say I was pleased with my meal.

One more item to note. I decided to write the body of the review, that being the springboard for the rebuttals (and denials) that I am certain will follow. But, Elaine, being a trooper, took it with a grin after the visit to the Elevator, so I’ll do the same, although I will not be worried about appearing to be a shrew, as Elaine was. If it appears that I was an asshole, chances are I was an asshole. Thus, I shall not just sit by and accept such, but rather wear it as a badge of honor. Until the next excursion….


Jerry


PS. Somehow, we managed to get George to pick up the tab. He must have been drunk because he admitted he was hung-over the next day.




[The Rebuttal]

Ah, Valentine’s Day, that most Hallmark of all holidays. While I don’t really celebrate Valentine’s Day, regardless of whether I’m in a relationship or not, I was happy to be out with my boys on our “anti-date”. After a soul-crushing week at work, some wine, good food and ridiculous conversation were in order. Also, I figured we’d at least mess with the heads of the other patrons who were trying to figure out the logistics of our particular “hat trick”, and we were successful in doing so. As Jerry said, I was annoyed by being “officially” seated by the owner. This was for two reasons: 1.) I don’t particularly like being told what to do, and 2.) I don’t like to sit in any sort of aisle. But, I went along with it, and it actually worked out okay since that put me in between George and Jerry, and George is a bit more soft-spoken than Nobody’s-Voice-Can-Be-Louder-Than-Mine-At-The-Table-Jerry.

While the wine and Bruschette Pomodore were nice, I have to say that my meal was a little, well, “meh”. It pains me to say that, as I’ve been to Tony’s several times before, and have always had positive experiences, but, unfortunately, this trip was a little off. I started with a House Salad with Italian dressing, and the salad was essentially a plate of all iceberg lettuce with a few black olives, garbanzo beans and tomato slices thrown in. Not prepared to dismiss the entire meal based on the salad, I gave my entrée of Spinach and Cheese Cannelloni a fair shake, only to be equally unimpressed by my main course. Don’t get me wrong – it was okay, the pasta was cooked well, but it was all just sort of bland. It was especially disappointing to me as I’ve had that same dish before with a bit stronger flavors. I’m not willing to write Tony’s off based on one so-so experience, though, so we’ll see what happens if we decide to revisit the joint later on. It was, in all fairness, a very busy night at the restaurant, so perhaps that explains it.

Now, I must address a few things that have come up in the brief course of Restaurant Night so far. Let’s start with the “wolf pack”. George did confirm Jerry’s theory that girls who hang with boys are more attractive to other boys. I essentially summed it up as, “So, you all basically want a girl that’s cool to hang out with, but who can still ‘bring it’ when it comes to ‘special time’?” I’m paraphrasing for the sake of keeping the blog mostly PG-13, and while I think George was slightly mortified by the exact way I described it that night, he got my point, and more or less agreed with my assessment. I think it was around that point that Jerry decided to lay out a particularly embarrassing fact about me from about, oh, 7 years ago, on George, in the interest of “building trust” in the group. Suffice it to say, I was horrified that Jerry decided to bust out that piece of information so early on in our little trio’s existence, but George didn’t seem to mind, and apparently we’re breaking down the walls. Anyway, despite all that nonsense, now that we’ve analyzed it some more, I think I really do understand the wolf pack, and I’m okay with my status as the she-wolf in our pack.

This brings me to Jerry’s comment about not being a “boob man”. The reason I was slightly miffed by this is that I have been, shall we say, “pectorally endowed” since about age 12, and still am. So, Jerry’s saying he’s not (or hasn’t been) a boob man stung a teeny-tiny bit, since we did, in fact, date, and I was, in fact, stacked, as they say. That’s the only reason it bugged me at all, but we discussed the next day and cleared the air, and all is well on that front (as it were).

Finally, the “shrew” comment must be explained. In reading over our last few blogs, I expressed to Jerry a concern that he might be portraying me as a bit of a shrew. After he stopped convulsing from laughter and disbelief (“A shrew?! Who uses that word?!”), he asked what I meant by that. Basically, I was worried that the way he was describing me was making me come off as a nag or that I was bossy/demanding. This troubled me because: 1.) I have a lot of guy friends, and actually prefer the company of guys over girls in a lot of ways – I don’t think my boys would be hanging around me if I was like that, and 2.) I take not being a “typical” girl pretty seriously – I’m a girly-girl for sure, but I’m just as happy to drink beer and watch football as I am to get dressed up and go out. So, just take Jerry’s descriptions of me with a grain of salt, as he may or may not be exaggerating for comedic effect.

Until the next adventure, look out for the Amish and beware of the wolf pack....


Elaine


[And finally, a word from the soft-spoken George]

The food was great and the service was exceptional. Let's not piss off Tony. I think he is connected. We don't want to end up in concrete boots, swimming at the bottom of a lake.

George

Thursday, January 29, 2009

A Word From George

As an introduction, I must let everyone know that George is often a man of few words. He is a no-nonsense professional, with a very blue collar work ethic. He is also the guy that would "give you the shirt off of his back." George is a truly great individual. Given his lack of a need for the spotlight, many of George's comments will likely be filtered through Elaine or me, so don't be surprised if we "report" for George. But, from time-to-time, he'll get his licks in, and so, I give you a quote from George about his role in all of the nonsense which we will be partaking in as this adventure unfolds:

"Regarding my persona as George, I just want the readers to know how happy I am to be 'George.' Jerry and Elaine could just as easily named me 'Newman.'" -George, 1/29/09

That said, our next excursion will be on Valentine's Day. Elaine has to take a vacation to Florida, so we will be taking a break. Our hope (George's and mine) is that, since Elaine will be paying to go someplace warm, central Ohio will have a sudden warming trend (we need your help, Al Gore!) and meltdown, with budding trees and daytime highs of 75+ degrees. That way, we can rub it into her when she gets to "pimp" with us as her VD "dates." By then, it will be back to sub-freezing temps and we'll be 'winter-miserable' again. Should George and I be able to make the time, we might sneak out to a rib joint while Elaine is gone, but we haven't cleared it with her yet, so, should she object, we'll just post something making fun of and bitching about her while she is gone.

Stay tuned.

Jerry

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Elevator Brewery & Draught Haus; January 23, 2009

Elevator Brewery & Draught Haus made the initial list for Restaurant Night primarily because I hadn't been there in several years, but also because they are locally famous for the Rock Filet, a filet (or tuna filet, if you choose) which is literally cooked on a heated rock at your table. Given that Jerry and George are ardent carnivores, I thought this would be a good place to start. You should also know that, while I was never a tremendous fan of meat, I am a very new vegetarian, having started my official vegetarianism on 01/17/2009 for both health and moral reasons. Jerry has been supportive of this choice for the most part, but it does bring him great satisfaction to call me a liberal now, even though I am still politically conservative...I think he also called me a "left-wing wacko" and threatened to report me to Ted Nugent at one point, but the idea of me going veggie is still new to him, so I'm letting him work it out for himself.

George, on the other hand, has yet to weigh in on my veggie conversion, partly because he missed our Inaugural Restaurant Night. While George's bailing was legitimately work-related and out of his hands, Jerry and I still amused ourselves during dinner by weighing various reasonable and unreasonable penalties to impose upon George. This brings us to Rule #1 of Restaurant Night: If any of the trio bails on a night that is a new restaurant for the group, the bailer is responsible for paying for the bailees meals if the group revisits said restaurant at a later date.

On to the food. I had the Four Cheese Pesto Ravioli, which, in addition to being veggie-friendly, was quite fabulous. The pesto was perfect, and sun-dried tomatoes added a little extra sweetness and a nice savory kick to the dish overall. Jerry and I shared a bottle of Ravenswood Zinfandel, which led to a very concerned discussion over whether Nancy "Stretch" Pelosi owns any part of the Ravenswood winery, and, if so, are we then prohibited from drinking said wine? I did a little digging, but still haven't been able to determine if she's connected to them in any way. The issue remains unresolved.

Finally, there was a long dissertation on the concept of the "wolf pack" and my role as the sole female in same (or the "she-wolf", in Jerry's terms). This concept requires George's input, so we'll discuss that here after our next excursion. For our next Restaurant Night, I'll be keeping my pimp hand strong, as the boys will be my "dates" for Valentine's Day. Stay tuned.


Elaine



[The Rebuttal]

Where do I start? Let's talk the vegetarian thing. First of all, I totally understand Elaine not wanting to eat meat. That is her choice and, quite frankly, just leaves more meat on the Earth for me. A childish and simplistic point-of-view, to be sure, but that is life. Keep It Simple, Stupid. Besides, when we dated, she was always appalled whenever I ate anything "off of the bone," which left ribs and wings pretty much out of the picture. Anyway, I do support her completely and her comments to the contrary are just not true. [If this seems a bit sarcastic, it might be.]

On to George. At about 1pm that afternoon, I got a call from him and he had to go to work. It was an emergency, so I understood. Plus, Elaine had stopped by my place the night before for a discussion that was very mature in content, so to make it all less traumatic, we drank about two and a half bottles of wine. Needless to say, the sulfites had my head a bangin'! I eventually broke it to Elaine that it was just us. She was disappointed (I think), but fine. So, we discussed what became the aforementioned Rule #1, more in the context of somehow punishing George, but felt better about the notion of sticking him with a check at some point. The rule passed out of committee and was voted on by the group; 2 Yays with 1 abstention. You figure it out.

Now, in addressing the whole "wolf pack" concept, I must first explain what Elaine so conveniently left out, which was the fact that she was pissed that I checked out every single woman in the place. That part is true and I freely admit it, although I was a bit disturbed by the server who resembled a young Chrissy Hyde. Seriously, but I'm sure she is very nice. Anyway, Elaine was jacked up about the whole thing and, to be honest, she may have had a point. It seems that women just get pissed about those things. Who knew? As the discussion (actually, I'd place it somewhere between 'debate' and 'argument') continued, I explained the value of a girl in a group of guys to her. I started with the contrast of one guy with a group of girls and explained that other girls would probably peg him as gay. Unfair and politically incorrect? Yes. True in life circumstances? Yes, again. Anyway, I then tried to explain the concept in reverse and how guys are attracted to a chick (I used the word "chick") who can hang with a group of guys. The whole "she wolf" term was hers, not mine, even though she will from this day forward try to lay that off on me. While I am the 'master of quips and stupid quotes', I cannot take credit for something that I didn't say. That would be akin to plagiarism. In summation, there really weren't that many hot female prospects in the place. I guess it was a slow night downtown. Additionally, I was truly disturbed by the couple that sat on the same side of the table while they ate. That is the worst! They both had wedding rings on and Elaine (in her innocence) believes they were married, which I am sure they were...just not to each other! I say they weren't because married couples don't do nauseating things like that. That level of love and "romance" go out the window the first time you have to fix something together or clean out the garage or do some other crappy "this is married life task." So, they were on a date.

On to the food! As Elaine mentioned, we ordered a bottle of Ravenswood Zinfandel (nothing like the hair of the dog) which the waitress was going to let us "inspect." I said to just pour it and Elaine chimed in with, "We know we like wine." That was actually pretty clever, but I didn't comment because then she would have used it beat back my wit attack for the rest of the night, so I let it go. I did mention the part about San Fran Nan's husband owning that vineyard. I am not certain of that, but I am politically conservative and if I knew it was true, I wouldn't drink it. That is probably silly to liberals and "moderates," but that is how it is. PLEASE, if you are of another political persuasion than I am, don't let it negatively impact your decision to follow this blog. Like in The Godfather, we don't talk business at the table. Anyway, the wine choice may not have been the best for our entree choices, but I don't care. I drink red wine "whenever," especially in the cold winter months. Besides, I was contemplating ordering "The Rock."

We started with the Hummus and Pita as an appetizer which was great. It was spicy enough to make you realize it, but not overpowering. I found it to be a top-notch choice as it was light enough to not make you feel full before your entree. It is probably enough for 3 people (anyone see George?), but they should probably give you a bit more pita. (As an aside, this appetizer choice was in deference to Elaine's vegetarianism, but again I didn't mention it because she would just tell you that was BS, so live and let live, I say.)

My entree was the Baked Rigatoni Mac & Cheese which was in my top two of choices (with The Rock) and I went with it at the last minute. GREAT choice. It was rigatoni pasta with chorizo and duck sausage, tossed with jalapeno and red onion in a Parmesan and cheddar cheese sauce. It was not "hot" in anyway, really. The onion and jalapeno were just right in the sauce, which I commented to Elaine was very nice with the dish. Elaine was a bit freaked about the duck portion of the evening's attraction, but it and the chorizo were a perfect blend. A truly great dish with a high recommendation.

Incidentally, we were both full, so we passed on dessert. Maybe next time, when George pays.

Lastly, I must add one bit of information to this post. I wanted to steal a piece of silverware, a very bayonet looking knife to be exact. I wanted Elaine to stash it in her purse and I actually broke her down in the end. She was going to do it, I swear. Anyway, I thought it would be fun to "collect" something to immortalize each installment of "Restaurant Night," but we started this blog instead.

Until next time.


Jerry

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The Biggest LOSER

Before we get into the actual "Restaurant Night" portion of our escapades, I must relate a story about our beloved "George." [Note: From now on, I will stop putting 'Jerry', 'Elaine', and 'George' in quotes because everyone knows by now that those are not our real names. Side note: Wait until you all get to meet Kramer!]

So, about a month ago, I was at a social/professional function that George attended as well. The social portion was catered and as I sat there, making the most of my free meal, George strolls up to the table with his bounty...a freaking salad! I looked at him (likely with marginal disgust) and asked the obvious question: "What the f*ck, Dude. Are you on a diet?" Much to my dismay, the answer was: "As a matter of fact, yes." (The Horror. The Horror!) Now, don't get me wrong, I could lose a pound or two. But, my "weight predicament" set in full throttle after I turned forty. To be honest, it has as much to do with my being completely lazy on days that I am not working. And given that food is often a "guilty pleasure" (remember the girlfriend that never wanted to eat out?), I will have to sweat it out on the StairMaster because I will NOT give up eating...PERIOD!

Anyway, it seems that George is in some sort of "Biggest Loser" type competition at work. God, please help him...and me! First, George is in fine shape. Second, the dude loves food even more than I do. And lastly, Elaine and I chose him to be part of 'Restaurant Night.' So, as George shovelled in his greens, I explained the concept, cringing as I waited for him to say something totally lame like, "I'm really sorry, but I can't." Much to my surprise (and ultimate appeasement), he said, rather quickly and forcefully I might add, "I'm in!" "But what about your diet?" "I won't eat for two days before we go out, just to save my calories. Dude, it is 'Restaurant Night.' What a great idea." That might not be verbatim, but it is close.

So the team was assembled, the cheesy Seinfeld references in place (but they really, really do fit), and Elaine was working on "The List, Volume 1." All that was left was to pick a night to "christen the ship," so-to-speak. When and where was the first order of business and the decision was made...Friday, January 23rd at the Elevator, High St., Columbus, Ohio.

Jerry

Monday, January 26, 2009

Genesis: Restaurant Night

Restaurant Night started at the Happy Greek in the Short North in Columbus, Ohio. 'Elaine' and I decided to go for Greek food after having discussed my lack of a working knowledge of many area restaurants. I had a girlfriend who never wanted to go out to eat, so I had been missing much of what the current culinary scene of Columbus had to offer. So, as we ate that afternoon, we sort of conceived the idea of Restaurant Night. It actually was a bit more complex than that, but that is all you need to know. Besides, any more background information and you'll be bored and wonder why the hell I am even explaining it.
I then suggested we should include 'George' who is a friend of mine that I know through work. He is a great guy who loves to eat, so I figured, why not. As the concept of Restaurant Night grows, we'll probably add guests to the mix. We will likely change their names to protect their innocence, but who knows. Hey, who cares? We're fun and ridiculing our friends on an Internet blog is a small price for them to pay for the opportunity to hangout with us. Seriously, we'll change their names...maybe.
Anyway, 'Elaine' came up with a list of places we should go to based on criteria that she deemed appropriate. Mostly, she based it upon a certain "uniqueness" of what the particular place might have to offer. I assume she tried to add the diversity of what "type" of restaurant (i.e., Italian, steak place, seafood joint, etc.) it was as well. The initial list (which we'll change or add to as we see fit) is the one that we (obviously) are working on at present. It contains ten restaurants, of which The Happy Greek is not one, but we will reserve it as the place where it all started. By the way, the food is great!
The reviews that will follow will be serious. We'll post them after we go, which may be once a week, every other week, or just whenever we feel like it. If you want to read about the places we choose and get our feedback, that is great. (By the way, 'Elaine' is a vegetarian and 'George' and I will eat anything. The more red meat, the better!) We'll tell you what we thought and you can take your chances from there. We will, however, make this blog "fun" by adding the details of our shenanigans to the mix. So, feel free to laugh, cry, or curse us for the thoughts we will be sharing with you. And if you own a restaurant, beware. We just might visit your establishment one day.

'Jerry'